Why I’m Single

In the last few years, introspection has become a consistent, yet sometimes painful, routine in my life. As a self-proclaimed over-thinker, I am constantly examining and evaluating my relationships. This includes familial relationships, friendships, and romantic relationships. Most recently, I pondered my single status and really dug deep for an answer as to why my relationships never endure the test of time. Here’s what I came up with.

Love Is Not Stronger Than Pride…

At least for me, it isn’t. As much as I have matured, the one thing that I haven’t been able to completely shake is the fact that I have more ego than empathy. I hate nothing more than feeling like someone made me appear aloof. I have a very hard time being vulnerable. This causes me to be very guarded and analytical of the actions of the men I date. I’m less empathetic to someone if I feel like they didn’t care enough to consider how their actions/inactions would make me feel or “look”. Things that make me feel stupid include trusting people that lie to me, lack of reciprocity, and outsiders seeing negative aspects of my relationship while my partner keeps me blissfully ignorant. Protecting my ego and image is my love language. The motto for my love life is an African proverb that will be written in my wedding vows:

 “Don’t have me out here looking stupid”.

I Value Transparency More Than Honesty

In my opinion there’s a huge difference between the two. Honesty is being truthful when questioned. Transparency is being forthright without interrogation.  Transparency also means clear communication and not being afraid to address the elephant in the room. I’m not a woman that nags or enjoys nagging. But I also don’t shy away from confrontation. I’m a communicator at heart. Confrontation is the best way, in my opinion, to communicate feelings and clarify intention. Unfortunately we live in a time where miscommunication is the norm. I’ve met very few men that are good communicators. And at my age, that’s sad.

Last But Not Least, I’m A Hopeless Romantic

The great philosopher Aubrey Drake Graham once said “We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together… But we sure make it feel like we’re together”. He has no idea how much that line sat down in my spirit because it’s nothing but the truth. I love, love. I get excited about the prospect of it. Unfortunately, I’m also a magnet for emotionally unavailable men. Men will enter my life and appear to want the same things as me. Things will be great. For a while. Until they aren’t. Then I’m left scratching my head trying to figure out what happened. What happened was, I quieted my intuition in the name of trust and hope. Before I know it, I’ll end up in a situationship with a man that has several other situationships and then I’m out here looking, you guessed it, stupid. I blame myself because I could avoid these situations by cutting them off at the first sign of inconsistency but I don’t.

The fact that the above scenarios have happened more than once indicates that I may have a problem with discernment. I could go on forever trying to understand why things happen they way they do. However, my edges aren’t thick enough to endure the stress so I’ll stop here. I hope you enjoyed this post and thanks for reading!

29 thoughts on “Why I’m Single

  1. Leketa Cunningham says:

    I love, love as well. I could so relate to this. Sometimes I don’t know when someone’s chapter in my book has come to an end. Which puts me in a situationship. Thank you for your honesty. This was a great read.

  2. MeMe Shepherd says:

    Listen!!! It took 6 years for me to realize the little voices in my head were correct and I wasn’t crazy. I’m a hopeless romantic as well and I was holding on to a dream I thought I could recreate.

    Great read!

  3. Necia says:

    I really loved this post! I related to a lot of what you said. I have so many questions but I’ll just ask a few lol. After your self reflection, do you think it’ll be harder to date going forward? Like does it keep you from having an open mind or giving that person a clean slate to start with? Or do you find that the experiences help put up a wall little by little & you’re looking for the BS to appear eventually?

    • Tammy says:

      It definitely makes dating harder going forward. My guard is back up. I always feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and it eventually does. I think I’m just meant to be single. I’m tired.

  4. Angela says:

    Speaking nothing but the truth…. and I realllllyy feel like love shouldn’t be as hard as us humans make it…but yet it is. Baaahumbug

  5. Nikki says:

    I found this to be true also in my “dating/situationship” time, but the moment I wasn’t looking or even thinking about love any more…it fell right in my lap! I didn’t even know it, at the time, but after being friends over a four year period it happened!! (by the meaning of friends, I mean talking over the phone every now and then…keeping in contact long distance, casual conversations) We met one day in 2011 and decided to start a long-distance relationship, two years later we were married and now…we are still in love, married for almost 4 years in September!!! Praise God

    I absolutely love the idea of being in love and want that for all of my girlfriends!! It does take time and many failed relationships/situationships, but I look back at those as “learning lessons!” The lessons taught me what I really want out of a relationship with someone I planned on marrying and also helped me work on ME! I was 27, living overseas and felt like that was my moment God was working on me…of course I didn’t know that, but looking back now I know!!! He took me away from everything I knew and was comfortable to a place I could grow closer to him and focus on me. Sometimes that’s what it takes!! But we often don’t like those unknowns in our life, we find every excuse NOT to go and do things that he wants us to because we are scared of the “unknown.”

    I know I was all over the place, but I really enjoyed this read and thanks for sharing. Continue to let your light shine and do settle for anything less than what God has for you. Continue to pray and ask God for the specific things you want and I know he will supply them ALL in due time. A blessing delayed doesn’t been a blessing denied!!!!! #rememberthat

      • Nikki says:

        You are welcome ladybug! Oh lawd, I seen a couple of typos!! 😩
        1) Continue to let your light shine and do NOT settle for anything less than what God has for you.
        2) A blessing delayed doesn’t NOT mean a blessing denied!!!! #rememberthat

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