In the last few years, introspection has become a consistent, yet sometimes painful, routine in my life. As a self-proclaimed over-thinker, I am constantly examining and evaluating my relationships. This includes familial relationships, friendships, and romantic relationships. Most recently, I pondered my single status and really dug deep for an answer as to why my relationships never endure the test of time. Here’s what I came up with.
Love Is Not Stronger Than Pride…
At least for me, it isn’t. As much as I have matured, the one thing that I haven’t been able to completely shake is the fact that I have more ego than empathy. I hate nothing more than feeling like someone made me appear aloof. I have a very hard time being vulnerable. This causes me to be very guarded and analytical of the actions of the men I date. I’m less empathetic to someone if I feel like they didn’t care enough to consider how their actions/inactions would make me feel or “look”. Things that make me feel stupid include trusting people that lie to me, lack of reciprocity, and outsiders seeing negative aspects of my relationship while my partner keeps me blissfully ignorant. Protecting my ego and image is my love language. The motto for my love life is an African proverb that will be written in my wedding vows:
“Don’t have me out here looking stupid”.
I Value Transparency More Than Honesty
In my opinion there’s a huge difference between the two. Honesty is being truthful when questioned. Transparency is being forthright without interrogation. Transparency also means clear communication and not being afraid to address the elephant in the room. I’m not a woman that nags or enjoys nagging. But I also don’t shy away from confrontation. I’m a communicator at heart. Confrontation is the best way, in my opinion, to communicate feelings and clarify intention. Unfortunately we live in a time where miscommunication is the norm. I’ve met very few men that are good communicators. And at my age, that’s sad.
Last But Not Least, I’m A Hopeless Romantic
The great philosopher Aubrey Drake Graham once said “We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together… But we sure make it feel like we’re together”. He has no idea how much that line sat down in my spirit because it’s nothing but the truth. I love, love. I get excited about the prospect of it. Unfortunately, I’m also a magnet for emotionally unavailable men. Men will enter my life and appear to want the same things as me. Things will be great. For a while. Until they aren’t. Then I’m left scratching my head trying to figure out what happened. What happened was, I quieted my intuition in the name of trust and hope. Before I know it, I’ll end up in a situationship with a man that has several other situationships and then I’m out here looking, you guessed it, stupid. I blame myself because I could avoid these situations by cutting them off at the first sign of inconsistency but I don’t.
The fact that the above scenarios have happened more than once indicates that I may have a problem with discernment. I could go on forever trying to understand why things happen they way they do. However, my edges aren’t thick enough to endure the stress so I’ll stop here. I hope you enjoyed this post and thanks for reading!